From the Other Side of the Desk

Today one of my students returned from juvenile detention. He was gone all of last week because he was there, not sure what for. This is his second time this year being in juvy. My heart breaks for him and I find myself wondering what he is thinking, what the 14 years of his life have been like, what he has done to get into so much trouble. I wonder if he has a plan for his life or just lives by the day. I wonder if he understands why his behavior warrants consequences. I wonder if anyone has listened to his story. I wonder what I can do.

The return of this student wrecked havoc on my class. He constantly disrupts, puts others down, says defiant comments to me . . . all the other students get annoyed with his behavior to the point of being angry with him. Today he was whistling, then he was copy catting what I was saying, then he was telling people to shut up, then he was refusing to take notes, then . . . *sigh* This misbehavior must flow from an unmet need. Maybe he has only had this behavior modeled for him in his life thus far. Possibly he needs attention and this is the only way he has been able to receive it. Maybe he is insecure and feels he must put others down to hide this. I don't know.

Somehow I must show grace yet still hold him to expectations, I must have patience but consider the learning environment, I must love while following through with consequences. I want to get through to this student and to see him reach the potential that I know he has. I want the best for him. I want him to make good choices and do something with his life. I want him to know that someone cares about him. I want to help him, but I'm not sure how. For now I will wait, watch, think, and bring him before my Heavenly Father who knows him best.

From the other side of the desk--heartbroken for my student(s)

Yesterday I made a mistake; I spoke to a student harshly out of frustration for the first time since I began teaching. I knew the day would come, I just was hoping it would come a lot later. Two students had been talking almost constantly, bickering back and forth, and had been fidgeting around fake punching or whatever flirting is these days. I had spoken to them several times and given them the "look" if you know what I mean. Finally I turned around and one of them was leaning forward out of their chair talking to the other so I said, "Put your rear in the chair and listen." Well, as soon as the words came out I wanted to take them back in, but I couldn't. So yesterday I made a mistake, but today I looked at it as an opportunity.

Before I started teaching today I told the class I needed to take care of something. So with all 27 students silent and listening I apologized to the student I spoke harshly to yesterday. I told her I was sorry, it was wrong of me to speak out of frustration and that I never wanted to do that as a teacher. I then asked for forgiveness. Thankfully, she was gracious to me, said it was okay and forgave me.

It wasn't easy. I'm a teacher, she's a student. I'm older, she's younger. I'm in a position of authority, she is under my authority. It wasn't easy, but it was right. While we are different in the world's eyes, we are the same in Christ's eyes. We are both His creation and have the same value. I knew in my heart this is what I should do so even though my lip quivered a bit and I briefly considered backing out I couldn't. I knew I had been wrong.

I thank God for revealing to me that my mistake was an opportunity. I could model the behavior and character I want my students to show each other. I could become human just like them. I could show Christ's love. I could hopefully gain their respect. I could demonstrate admitting wrongdoing and sincerely apologizing. I could be an example. I pray this small incident plants seeds within their hearts and minds.Yesterday was a mistake, but today. . . today was an opportunity.

From the other side of the desk--Humbled

I have now been teaching for 9 weeks, but it seems like much longer. I few weeks ago a coworker asked me what the hardest part of teaching was for me so far. I only had to think a moment before answering, "its me." Now, that may seem like a strange answer, but it is so so true.

I am a perfectionist, meaning details are huge to me. So far in my first year I have not had enough time to take care of all of the details. My classroom still has bare bulletin boards, unlabeled folders, and missing supplies. I still have not written my professional goals or my year goals, both of which were due way long ago. I have yet to call all the parents of failing students that I need to. In addition there are lots of things which I would like to do which aren't required, but I don't have time. All of this causes friction with my perfectionism. I feel unorganized, behind, stressed, and like I am failing. This is my perfectionism at its best/worst.

However, how I see my first year is not the same as some others see it. Two weeks ago I got an email from another teacher saying they were congratulating a student on their progress in math to which the student responded they "had a good teacher." Another student told me this last week that they "hoped I stayed for awhile because they liked me." One of my principal's told me their daughter "loved math and was excited about doing her math homework."

I see that I need to let the details go and I'm trying. I just wish I could get it all done and be completely organized. The hardest part about teaching so far is me. I was told I just needed to "survive" this first year by my mentor teacher. Another teacher told me to K.I.S. it, keep it simple. It can only get better.

From the other side of the desk--surviving